The writer is a parenting counsellor and professional teacher
It’s one thing finding your children at war; it’s a totally different thing hearing one of them yell at the other, “I will kill you!”
So, when my cousin heard her 14-year-old son scream that above to his 16-year-old sister’s wails, she dropped the laptop bag at the door, banged on the door till they opened it and then she grabbed her daughter, dragging her away from the fire-spitting assailant. Her own brother! Her little brother!
You just might be keen on knowing what had led to this near-sororicidal case. Well, the two, together with their youngest sister, had been Children do not become what we tell them, they become what they see us do PARENTING BOB KISIKI having breakfast, when the big boy suddenly got up and announced he was done, and was going out to chat with his buddies. So he stepped away. It was then that his sister called after him and suggested he go with the mug and plate he had used for breakfast, and maybe wash them.
However, the boy did not see the point, and walked on, which prompted his sister to let him know that nobody in the house was his servant, and he should act according to that information. That’s when he turned, walked to her and slapped her! The fight broke out.
If you’re wondering whether this was enough to cause 3rd World War, you are not alone. What was there to cause that boy to hit his sister? Then the answer came: Poor conflict resolution skills. And, I am sorry to say, it falls back on the parents.
Let me explain: If you are alive, and if you live among other people, you are always going to get into scenarios where you do not see eye-to eye with someone. It’s just part of human nature. We are relational beings who, at the same time, are innately selfish. And that’s the stuff conflict is made of.
So, as people living in a community called a family, your children are bound to have run-ins that will bruise their egos, hurt their esteem and wound their emotions. No two ways about it. But how will they get out of it? Will it be the Hammurabi way, that when one scratches the other, they too are scratched? Or will the first offender always be punished? How do you, as the parent, treat conflict?
Yes, you can talk to them and punish them when they err, but how you handle conflict when they are around is the main lesson for them. Like I have always said, children do not become what we tell them; they become what they see us do.
I knew a couple who always had fights whenever they disagreed over every little thing. Some fights indeed became physical. One day, two of their sons developed a misunderstanding and, before long, they were exchanging blows. In less than five minutes, one of them; the one who had a congenital condition, was lying on the balcony, dead?!! One blow in the wrong place sent him out of this world — for good!
Teach your children to talk through issues. Teach them to laugh off certain issues. Teach them to walk away from frivolous (or even major) fights. Teach forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not exonerate the wronging party of culpability; it just seeks that you exercise mercy. These are things we should be teaching our children.
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